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Undermining your confidence
Elle was a graphic designer working for a large agency. She enjoyed the work, but she wanted a more flexible schedule. She wanted to strike out on her own and launch a graphic design business, but she was terrified of taking the leap.
When someone asked her, what was holding her back, Elle said it was a lack of confidence. Without confidence, it’s easy to stay stuck in situations you dislike. Maybe like Elle, it’s a job you hate or perhaps it’s a relationship that’s become draining.
Understanding the cause of your low self-confidence is the key to overcoming it.
Undermining your confidence can easily become a pattern without the awareness of it.
Here are four of the most common reasons that people lack confidence…
Frequent Self Criticism
You’re always worried about what others see when they look at you. You fret that people won’t like you because of your hair, skin, or the clothes you wear. You complain about how you look or think your personality is dull.
This hyper criticalness is behavior that we learn. As we age our patterns become more entrenched. One of the ways to start breaking this pattern is to be aware of it.
When you have a constant string of negative thoughts about yourself, it’s hard to feel confident. Instead of being a mental bully, pause. Take some time to list three good qualities about you. If you can’t think of anything, ask a supportive friend or caring family member what they love about you.
Trauma
Trauma comes in many forms—from being bullied on the playground as a kid to being sexually assaulted to watching your home burn down. To make sense of trauma, your brain tries to create a reason for it.
If the event was seemingly random (such as a house fire), you may blame yourself. You may think you were bad and deserved it. When you have low self-confidence stemming from trauma, it can be helpful to seek out a help.
One of my favorite ways to rewire the trauma in the brain is by using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping). It helps get to the root of the issues to release painful thoughts so that you don’t have to work as hard to feel more confident.
Unrealistic Expectations
Sometimes, it’s not about what you think about yourself—it’s about what you expect. If you’re a perfectionist or were perhaps raised by one, you may believe that everything you do needs to be perfect.
Often, people that struggle with unrealistic expectations and low self-confidence believe that their identity is tied to the things they do. This creates a problem when you do something imperfectly. Then you label yourself a failure or fraud.
The best thing to do in this situation is to take a step back. Ask yourself if you would have these same expectations for anyone else. For example, would you expect your best friend to move and have her new home organized within a day?
Past Decisions
Everyone has a past, and everyone has done something they’re ashamed of. But for some people, they become hyper-focused on what they’ve done previously. Instead of practicing self-forgiveness, you remind yourself of all the ways you’ve messed up.
You may even believe that your identity is linked to your past mistakes. For example, you might say, “I’ve never done well in school. Why should I think I’m capable of getting A’s now that I’m in college?”
But these thoughts fail to acknowledge that you are a human being capable of growth. Regardless of what you might have in the past, today is a new day. That means you have another chance to be a new version of yourself.
Often what happens is the lessons we learned early on become so entrenched that we identity those old stories as truth. They don’t have to be seen that way. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping) can make a huge difference in the way those old stories are wired in your brain.
It can help you stop undermining your confidence and start to take daily action to create the life and business you dream of.
Low self-confidence doesn’t have to be a curse you carry around for the rest of your life. With awareness and coaching, you can overcome it and embrace a more confident you.
You might also enjoy this post on becoming more self compassionate.